My Mother Taught Me Everything, Except How To Live Without Her

Hello!

We are one week post-wedding. For those that were't able to make it, it was beautiful. Many thanks to Dawn, Mary, and so many others for making it so and also saving me from my worst self. Also, many thanks to those who travelled to be with us. And hey…there was only one broken plate!

Mom always had hilarious wedding stories. There was the one with the cake that got licked by the cat, which may have been the same one where they held the reception in a nursing home. There was her first wedding where the bows wouldn't stay on the hats and more than one of the bridesmaid dresses didn't fit right. Speaking of which, those turned up on an ugly bridesmaid dress slideshow on the internet somewhere…sorry momma! In her honor, here are a few highlights from our big day.

1. The cake was incredibly late and it looked horrible. Many thanks to Mary, Dawn, and my wonderful husband for preventing a total meltdown upon my seeing it.

2. Karissa managed to dislocate her patella two days before the wedding, so she made her way down the aisle in a lovely black and blue full leg brace. Luckily the processional song was long ;)

3. Despite it being a million degrees during rehearsal on Friday, come Sunday it was cloudy and raining in the morning. The rain subsided but the clouds stuck around. Everyone tells me it was gorgeous weather, but I still wish there would have been sun. Oh well. I'm sure mom would have loved the grayness. It is good for the Earth she would say. We are in the midst of a drought after all.

4. After leaning forward over my plate to eat, I somehow deformed the boning in my dress slightly so it was struggling to keep my dress from falling down and I am sure I nearly flashed more than one guest. You're welcome I guess.

5. We somehow managed to run out of food before everyone was fed, but many thanks to Wild Duck Catering for getting more before I even knew we had run out.

6. The day before the wedding Nathan calls and says we only have 3 ties, not 4. What?! It took months for us to agree on those ties and now you are telling me that the ties will not all be matching and you are going out to purchase a fourth tie without me? Fabulous.

Getting married without mom by my side was easier than expected, but it is all hitting me now. I guess I was too busy trying not to pass out to notice who was or was not yanking the strings tight on my dress (thank you Mary and Sarah). Both Dawn and Mary stepped in and were mom's voice when I was losing it. And, in Dawn's words, mom smacked her upside the head and saved me from some serious fashion mistakes leading up to the big day. However, as I look back on the photos and the day as a whole, I am reminded that there was something missing. Something huge.

Instead of mom by dad's side in our family photo, there is a vase of sunflowers. They were beautiful sunflowers, but they weren't mom. More people than I can count cried when I walked down the aisle and they saw me in my dress, but not a single one of them was my mom. By the guest book table stood a sign in memory of those we loved who passed before our big day and smack in the middle was not a photo of some barely known great aunt or a grandparent who lived to be 110, but rather mom. Now that I think of it, every single person that was on that board was taken by cancer. Fuck you cancer.

As requested, we all danced the Hora and I hope she was there with us, laughing as we stepped on each others' toes and confused each other by trying to form two circles mid dance. That's my fault. Sorry!

My mother taught me a lot of lessons I tried to remember coming into the wedding and I am still trying to remember now in my married life. The marriage is more important than the wedding. Nothing is perfect so don't kill yourself trying to make it so. Listen to each other and learn to talk to each other, not at each other (this one came from dad too). Be honest. Now that I have a minute to sit and reflect, my mother taught me everything except how to live without her. Who knew I would have to teach myself so soon.

Until Next Time,

Karina

Trending On Facebook

I would really like to let everyone know that my university is trending on Facebook as I type. We developed/found seaweed that tastes like bacon but is healthier than kale. Take that all you superior athletic schools. We have bacon seaweed.

But for real. I know its been a while and I apologize. I promise I haven't buried myself in a pile of blankets somewhere and wasted away. Things have been heating up in regards to wedding planning which also means that the grief monster is rearing its ugly head once more. Lucky me.

I have been blessed with a lot of really incredible people in my life, but no one can take the place of mom and I am realizing just how true this is as the wedding draws nearer. I went to my last fitting solo and grappled with the fact that they have to alter the neckline solo. The dress I walk down the aisle in will no longer be the exact dress my mom saw when she came with me the day I bought it. Who knew that a an inch of tulle would be so emotional. Also tough? Venting. I have great support systems all over the United States, but an angry text just isn't the same and ranting and pacing around the room while mom tells me that I'm being ridiculous in the comforting way that only a mother can. I guess I just never thought that she would't be there.

I just returned from a long weekend in Vegas and for those I didn't see, I apologize. It was a quick decision to just de-stress. I spent most of the weekend on a couch with Sarah and Mary watching Netflix and eating obscene amounts of food. I live the glamorous life don't I? It was interesting though to be out and about in Vegas remembering when we lived there. I think we drove past the doctor's office where they told mom that the spot in her mouth was just a spot for years. We drove past my grandma's nail salon where I first got my nails professionally done and mom was shocked at the colors I chose; neon blue and green french tips. Fifth grade me was a stunner. We had brunch at the Draft House where ten year old me complained into mom's ear about how hot the chicken strips were. Little did she know that I didn't mean temperature wise. That is, until she took a bite. And so many more memories. The time I accidentally gave her a sample of a jalepeno chip in the grocery store. The time the sprinkler system at school broke and turned the grass into a marsh and I tried to surf on it. Even with all the memories though, it was a great trip. Coming home was the hard part strangely.

When I went to Costa Rica, mom got up at 3 am to take me to the airport. She also stayed up until close to 2 am the day I came home so she could pick me up at the airport. I half expected to see her this time.

So much has changed. So much will be different. But at least we are trending on Facebook.

Until next time,

Karina

Free At Last, Free At Last

Hallelujah! Finals are over and it is officially summer! The week came to a close with three papers (one that was spectacular, one that was good but short on the page count, and one that was a complete and utter disaster on paper), one physics final (thank the lord above for freebie questions and my parents for being so geeky that I knew several answers not because I truly knew the answer, but because I knew Howard Wolowitz is not a real space scientist regardless if I knew who any of the other options were), and me passing all of my classes. I even S/Ued (pass/no pass) two classes for what turned out to be no reason since I got Bs in both of my own accord. Whoo hoo! Go me!

Now, those of you who know me well know that I actually really like school and I am good at it, so why the excitement over barely passing four classes? This year was hard. I struggled every term and fell behind every term and got dragged down by the thought that maybe I was just one big disappointment to her. I even have nightmares where she comes to me and tells me how much I suck. For the record though, she doesn't actually say suck. She hated that word. This year forced me to dig deep to even keep moving forward but I hope I made her proud by doing so.

I moved out of my dorm, which was bitter sweet (see last post). Nathan and I have officially moved into our new apartment with some friends of ours just in time for the shower to fail. Apparently the plumber who did the shower when the interior was redone two years ago messed up big time and we are paying the price now. Call the landlord. Yes he will bring in a plumber to fix that. Yes they will likely have to bust in part of the shower and the wall to fix it right. Great. Oh well. I got a summer gym membership so I will just shower at the gym. Wrong. Apparently Dixon doesn't run hot water during the summer. I guess I will be journeying home sooner than expected.

Speaking of moving in and out, it is all bittersweet. Last year, mom and dad helped me move into my dorm and we even took some cute pictures together. This year I moved in alone. Mom never even got to see this dorm room and it was a nice one. I am sure it would have gotten a comment or story about the dorm room she lived in. Now that we are settled off campus, I am starting to realize that she will never see this place either. Or my first house. This past weekend was also commencement and I was forced to realize she won't see me graduate from college either. This is not aided by the fact that the OSU beaver store insists on carrying OSU mom gear all year round everywhere you turn and for some reason, I go to it every time before I realize there is no one to buy it for.

Today I did some wedding planning and was caught off guard by the RSVP card marked Wolf party of 2. Shouldn't that number be 3? I am so glad that this trying school year is over, but I know this summer will be strange and different. There will be the wedding without mom. There will be no swimming with mom. No gardening or window washing. No long talks or outdoor dinners. No lists of things to do. I plan to spend a lot of time in Corvallis this summer and I have finally realized that the main reason for that is because this summer just won't be the same and even though it will be filled with withouts, maybe I can make some new summer memories between Eugene and Corvallis.

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. TMI AHEAD! READ AHEAD IF YOU DARE! Today I woke up with every symptom you can possibly have of a UTI. Great. Off to the doctor. They say pee in this cup. Cue flashback. The last time I had a UTI was probably 7 or 8 years ago and mom and I spent 3 hours in the doctors office because I was having a full scale meltdown about peeing in a cup. I hate peeing in a cup. Needless to say, she was not happy. Today, I peed in a cup. And paid for my own antibiotics. I guess I'm a real adult now. I hope you're proud momma. I'm trying my best, even if all that is is peeing in a cup without crying and/or stomping my feet (and I will not confirm nor deny that there was actual feet stomping all those years ago. I could be just saying that for dramatic effect. You don't know. :p).

Finals Week Blues

I have been sitting in the MU so long that the HUT shuttle has come through twice. The HUT shuttle runs through Eugene, up through Corvallis, and also stops in Albany, Salem, and Woodburn collecting passengers and dropping them off at the Portland airport and vice versa. If you take into account the fact that Portland is at least an hour and a half from Corvallis, there are three stops from here to Portland plus loading and unloading time, and traffic, I've been here a while. On the plus side, I only have one paper left and one test. Also a plus? In only one class have I had to calculate the minimum grade I need on the final to pass the class. Science is not my thing. Don't judge.

After this hell week is over, it will be unpacking in the new apartment and then diving head first into wedding planning. I had a dress fitting yesterday and luckily there isn't too much to be done. Everyone including myself has found shoes and even Karissa found a dress. But there will be plenty about wedding planning as the weeks go on. As the school year comes to a close, I have been reflecting.

Mom passed away the day before school started. I took a week off and then made my grand reappearance. Needless to say, I almost didn't pass those classes, but I did. Yesterday I finished cleaning out my dorm and for some reason I was sad. I think I was sad because that room was my safe place for nine months. I cried there and I mourned there. I learned there. This year I learned a lot. I learned that even though it is hard, you can go on living. I learned that even when you lose someone, you still have people. Even though it is hard to do wedding things without her, I still enjoy them. What do you know? I actually learned something at school this year and I think she would be proud.

Until next time,

Karina

Chicken Salad On Challah

Sorry once again for my long absence. Today marks the start of dead week leading up to finals week and capping off with moving out of the dorms. Needless to say, things are busy here in Corvallis.

As some of you may know, I have been blessed, or cursed, with a larger than average bust size. Yay me! Lucky for me though, mom was also a part of this group and when we moved to Eugene, she stumbled on an incredible gift…Ruth's Foundations. Ruth's sells bras and swimsuits for those of us who laugh in the face of Target bikinis sized XL. Every summer mom and I would journey to Ruth's for a swimsuit. Every swimsuit I own came from Ruth's now that I think of it. I have also purchased at least 3 strapless bras from them. This past weekend I took a trip to Ruth's because I needed yet another strapless bra to wear under my wedding dress. It was quite a shock to walk into Ruth's without her. It was even more of a shock to have one of the incredible women that works there hook the 10+ hooks instead of her. And let me tell you, you really don't appreciate your parents until you have to buy your own stuff. $100+ dollars for a single bra later and I was out of there, a little down in the dumps.

Next to Ruth's is a great bakery/deli called Barry's. I highly recommend it. Nathan was complaining about missing breakfast so we stopped in or lunch. Another shock. After nearly every trip to Ruth's, and between the two of us, there were a lot, mom and I ate at Barry's. Always the same thing; half a chicken salad sandwich on challah and a bowl of matzo ball soup. It was disheartening to eat it alone. Nathan was there, but he had pastrami and that's not nearly the same, but much love to him anyway for enduring the 45 minutes in Ruth's.

This weekend was filled with things that I once did with mom and it made me realize how many more there will be. She won't be at my wedding. She wasn't at my bridal shower. I miss her a lot. However, I do get to honor her in many ways. I honor her when I shop at Ruth's. I honor her by writing and addressing all of my shower thank you notes in a very timely manner. I honor her by doing things I have never done before. I hope I honor her with this blog. I honor her with chicken salad on challah.

Speaking of things I have never done before, I was elected brotherhood chair in our chapter of AKPsi. This means I will be in charge of selecting monthly award winners, writing thank you cards to all of our guest speakers, and planning fun little get togethers to bring us closer together as members. Go me! I even won despite the one con being that I was not very approachable. Can you believe that? I'm approachable dammit! I hope mom would be proud. And I have her to thank for my thank you note writing skills. They are off the charts :)

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. I do not recommend seeing B.o.B in concert. He is absolutely atrocious and likes to endorse smoking. In an earlier post, I commented on $5 being a great deal to see him. I lied. Free would have been too expensive for crap like that. Save your money.

Here Comes The Bridal Shower

This past week has been a whirlwind. My house was abuzz with activity all week and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

On Thursday, Sarah, Mary, and I ran some errands and did some shopping. I found a dress thankfully. They ordered cakes while I waited in the car. The bridesmaids all found shoes and they all like them and they were even on sale! Whoo hoo! I tried my very best to find shoes for both the wedding and the shower, but size 11s are becoming harder and harder to find. We all also got a minor case of food poisoning, but it had passed before the day was done. Note to self. Nothing good ever comes of Panda Express.

On Friday, we did some more shoe shopping. You know it isn't going to end well when not one, but two stores tell you the biggest size they carry is a 10. One thing that did come out of it was the appreciation of what my mom dealt with with me on a regular basis. Man do I owe her. Onward to Saturday!

Dawn and family arrived on the scene and we met up at the Saturday Market after the bridesmaid dress fitting. Only a few minor alterations will need to be made thank goodness. The groomsmen, now numbering three rather than four, placed their orders for tuxes so that is one more thing taken care of wedding wise. At some point we made a pointless drive to Junction City to check into the motel everyone was staying at, but there was nobody there. Fun stuff. Food was being prepped and Sarah and I were sent on a mission for long toothpicks and a jicama. The jicama was easy, but we went to two different craft stores before we finally found some at le Target. I also found shoes there! I guess my rant about my feet being discriminated against was unnecessary. Oh well. Upon returning home, we were tasked with making gallons of iced tea, lemonade, and strawberry lemonade and let me tell you…that is a sticky situation.

Sunday (shower day) dawned bright and early. Dad served up a delicious breakfast of bagels, cream cheese, lox, and doughnuts. If my dress didn't fit before, it really doesn't fit now. The rest of the food was prepared and it looked incredible! Thank you Dawn, Mary, Angie, and Barbara. And a thousand other people. Thank you, Cameron, for the crepes. At some point, everybody left to decorate and I was instructed to not arrive until 3 pm. Too bad I don't take directions well and got there early at 2:45. It was gorgeous. Great people, great food, great games. I still think our toilet paper wedding dress was a winner. Cameron (the bride/model) asked for something skimpy and that is (inadvertently) what he got. Time flew by and it was time to clean up and head back to the house where dad had prepared yet another delicious feast. I still have a mouth blister from the spinach artichoke dip, but it was worth it. The evening concluded with some more games. Who knew "fishnet stockings", "boom boom room", and "tuck it in your tux" were names of nail polishes and not adult films. Needless to say, I did not win that game.

Monday morning and everyone was on their way home. Luckily they will be back in a few short weeks, so I don't have to miss them for too long.

The weekend was incredible, but there was something missing. I have incredible women in my life who are my moms and always have been and I am eternally grateful for them and what they do for me, especially this shower, but I was really missing my mom. I'm sure she would have gotten a kick out of some of the answers to "who knows the bride best" and she would have found Mary's interpretation of Jack Sparrow as hobo boat man to be quite hilarious. I know that my getting married young was not her first choice, but I know she would have loved to have helped plan that shower and been there with me. At least we got to honor her in some ways. We used paper straws, not plastic. We gave away packets of sunflower seeds as favors. We reused mason jars as glasses and there wasn't a paper plate in sight. I hope she is proud. And even though I know it wasn't her first choice, I think it worked out for the best. She got to at least come to my engagement party (we used the same plates at the shower so that counts for something right?) and she got to help me pick out my wedding dress. I just wish she could be here for the rest of the journey. I miss her everyday.

Until next time,

Karina

Europa, Europa

Greetings!

I have just returned from watching another oh so fun film about the Holocaust for one of my classes. This evening's selection was Europa, Europa. It's pretty good if you like reading subtitles, which I don't. The whole damn thing was in German, but whatever. If you haven't seen it, it is the story of this Jewish boy who pretends to be German and eventually joins the Hitler youth in order to survive. The overarching message was that humans will do anything to survive one more day. 

As strange as it sounds, this film spoke to me. It didn't speak to me on a literal level because, obviously, I have no intentions of running off to join the Nazis, but it spoke to me about my life today. My mom went through hell to try and stay on this earth with us. She endured tremendous pain and discomfort. She endured chemo and radiation more times than I can count. She did everything she could to survive one more day. But this film didn't just speak to me about mom. It spoke to me about me. 

As some of you know, I struggle with the guilt I feel everyday. I struggle with the fact that I fought with her and was angry with her just days before she passed away. I struggle with the fact that I never went to see her in the hospital and I struggle with the fact that so many times I said I would be home at such and such time and actually came home much later when she was already well asleep. I struggle with the fact that I wasn't home when she fell. My biggest struggle is that I didn't go to her side to tell her I loved her one more time. I don't remember so many things she said and I didn't listen to her when I should have. I once insulted one of her sweaters. Probably more than once actually. And I feel guilty because she passed away and I just plowed on with my life. I went back to school like it was nothing. I moved forward with the wedding planning. I laughed. I smiled. I gave away her things. The things I took to remember her by are stuffed in a trunk covered in a pile of my stuff. But through the unlikeliest of places, I think I finally know why. 

You do what you have to to live one more day. I had to go back to school. I had to plan the wedding. We couldn't keep her stuff forever. I laughed and I smiled because I found things that were fun because as much as I didn't want to, if I didn't, I don't know how I would have gone on living. You would find me today curled up in a ball in the baggiest pair of sweatpants money can buy. Nike of course. *insert dad cringing here* 

Call me crazy for finding clarity in a film about the Holocaust. She probably would have and that makes me smile. 

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. I was about to tell you about the historic inaccuracy of this movie in that they depicted heavy trench warfare, but I looked it up and apparently there was still trench warfare in WWII. Who knew? 

Six Brothers, One Tent

Well…I survived Relay for Life. In case you were not aware, 12 hours is a really long time. How about a recap, shall we?

We arrived in the MU quad at 5:30 pm and met up with our team. We were surrounded by the social fraternities and sororities. Dad once told me about frats having a lot of couches. It is no lie. They literally carried in full sized couches and set up camp. One of them even brought in a TV and a generator because nothing says saving lives like a PS4. Kappa Kappa Gamma was there with their cute sign "Kappas for a Kure". It's C-U-R-E you idiots. With a C. Sorry. A pet peeve of mine. Here is where it gets good though. We rented tents from the rec center on campus. Easy enough. I've set up a tent before. But there's a catch…you cannot stake the tent because apparently all of the power lines for the entire university are underground in the quad. One stake through a power line and all of campus would go without power. Alrighty then. This tent was a little more challenging than any tent we own, but no big deal because we can just read the instructions. Alas (earwax), there are none. Finally 4 of us manage to get this tent up and it is time for the opening ceremony and the survivor lap. I knew the survivor lap would be hard, and it was, but I also realized that so many people that are important in my life are survivors too. In fact, a girl on our team who is a member of the club we partnered with is a survivor and she took the lap. She's my age. That was humbling.

DJ Kevin was in charge of music for the night as we started our laps. He was horrible. He kept changing songs right in the middle and trying to remix things. It was not pleasant. About a mile in, it was time for the frozen t-shirt contest. Our group opted to watch rather than participate, which was a good choice. Hilarity ensued. After a few more laps, some of us returned to the tent and met up with the group that had gone to the store. Nothing says walking all night like a dozen doughnuts, 4 boxes of cookies, a gallon of sweet tea, 3 bags of sour patch kids, a super sized bag of gummy bears, two boxes of Capri Suns, and three bags of chips. At some point in there, there was the human pyramid contest which had to be redone after the gymnastics team and Sigma Chi both thought they had won. I don't know who won the rematch and I frankly don't care.

At some point, our group ended up back in the tent. This was about 10 pm. We opted to play Heads Up. For those of you that don't know, it's an app made popular by Ellen. One person holds up the phone to their forehead with the screen facing out. A word or phrase pops up on the screen and the others must describe it and hope the person holding the phone guesses right. This particular app had an adult category. Many laughs were had by all. My favorite of the night? The word was HBO. My clue was Game of Thrones network, key word network. What we all got back as a guess was penis. Ok then.

As the night wore on, we had some deserters. By the time 1 am rolled around, there were but six of us left and it was time for the luminaria ceremony. Here it is time for my rant. You've been warned.

The luminaria ceremony, for those of you not familiar with Relay for Life, is the ceremony to honor those who have lost their battle. Lit luminarias lined the quad, some dedicated, some blank. The emcee for the night got up and gave her spiel. And then they brought in a speaker to tell his story. This young gentleman was 20 years old when he was diagnosed with leukemia. He endured chemo and radiation and was eventually saved by a a bone marrow transplant. Then his brother, who is a current OSU student gave his spiel about why he has become a part of the Be the Match campaign and how he works to register bone marrow donors on campus. Great. It's great that he is doing that. It's great that they registered 61 new donors yesterday. It's great that almost everyone in our group was inspired to sign up. But you don't bring in a survivor to speak at the luminaria ceremony. People are there to mourn those that have been lost to this horrendous disease. Many people just sat down by their luminarias and cried. Many people in the crowd cried. People who have lost someone, people like me, don't want to hear your survival story. Tell it at the beginning. Tell it at the closing ceremony. Don't tell it when people are remembering those that aren't survivors. If you want a speaker, bring in someone who has lost someone. Or don't speak at all and just reflect.

Rant over. At some point around 2 am, I fell asleep in the middle of a rousing round of musical chairs. It was too late and too cold for that. I woke up at some point to find everyone else sleeping too. Then at 4 am, there was the announcement that breakfast was served. Not many takers since not many people eat breakfast at 4 am. And then 5 am rolled around at they roused us from our sleep for the closing ceremony. We, as a school, raised $40, 700 for cancer research and finding a cure. Whoo hoo! We packed up the tent, packed up our stuff and went home to sleep.

Six of us made it all twelve hours. We slept in a tent, on the ground. We got up at 5 am. We took a stand. The big question at Relay for Life is "why do you relay?" I relay for my mom. I relay for people like my mom who fought hard and just couldn't win. I relay for people like me who lost their world to cancer. I relay to end this. What started out as a "hell no" ended up being a profound and, frankly, very enjoyable way to spend 12 hours. And I got to spend it with a great group of people. If you would still like to donate, donations are accepted until the end of May.

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. Another small rant/pet peeve. Cancer encompasses more than just breast cancer. Nothing against breast cancer. I know many women who have fought and won and who have fought and lost and we absolutely need to find a cure. But that is not the only cancer out there. Just be aware.

P.P.S. I am currently the reigning Capri Sun chugging champion. Twice. If anyone is up to the challenge, come and find me. We will have a grand old time.

Week 7

Good Morning! A small update lays ahead.

Mother's Day passed with only some incidence, which you will see if you dare to read the post below, but overall, it went as well as could be expected. This evening I rushed to finish two midterm papers that are due in 9 hours and the whole time I heard her voice. "You've had a week to do them. Why didn't you work on them a little at a time?" Because that's just not how I roll. I finished them by the way.

This Friday is Relay for Life. Oregon has decided to whip out its best attitude this spring so for this weekend's event, it will be 64 and raining. It was 82 three days ago. Urg! Nothing says a relay and sleeping off and on in a tent like cold and wet. But it's for a good cause that has some meaning to me, so hopefully it will be fine.

Friends are pouring into town in about a week for my bridal shower and I could not be any more excited. The only thing that would make it better is if mom was able to be there with us, but I know she will be looking down on us all and smiling at our sharp whit and possibly inappropriate shower games. I miss her everyday. I know she would kick all our asses at porn or polish.

Sorry for the long time between posts. It is week 7 of 11 (if you count finals week) here at Oregon State and it is time for second midterms, deciding if you are going to S/U (pass/no pass) any classes, and crying silently into your pillow while simultaneously praying to the Gods.

Tonight's post is a short one since it is already 1 am and believe it or not, I actually do sleep at night and not just until noon.

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. If you are wondering what porn or polish is, I would ask rather than google. I don't think that search will turn up any good results ;)

Sometimes I Am Scared

Sometimes I am scared that I am forgetting her. Sometimes I can’t picture her in my mind. It’s even harder when I try and remember her before she was sick. Sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind myself. Sometimes I am scared that I am letting her fade away. How could I forget such an incredible person? What does that say about me? Sometimes I am scared.

My mom had a knack for knowing when I was upset. Every time I tried to hide it, and the times I didn’t, she would hear me crying and she would come. It didn’t matter what time it was, how old I was, or why I was crying. Sometimes we would fight and she would be furious with me, but she would still come. The door to her bedroom would creak open and she would come into my room and just sit with me until I fell asleep. I keep waiting for the creak. Why can I remember the creak and I can’t remember her voice? Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that I am disappointing her. I wear flip-flops and I throw food in the garbage. I bought a whole tub of plain Greek yogurt, decided I didn’t like it, and just let it go to waste. In January, I bought a sweater and it still has the tags on it. I have a cruel sense of humor and I am selfish. I procrastinate on my homework all the time and I stopped going to the gym. I play volleyball when I know I shouldn’t and then I complain about it later. I have no patience. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that my sister will resent me because I got to know her for 19 years and she didn’t. Sometimes I’m scared that I won’t be able to pass along lessons or ideas or opinions the right way. I got to go prom dress shopping with my mom three times. I got to buy my wedding dress with her. She did my hair and painted my nails. She came to my graduation. She made my first scrapbook with me. Sometimes I am scared that my sister will grow up to despise me. Sometimes I am scared.

Mom always told me that I had so much potential; that I was smart and beautiful and driven. But what if I graduate college and can’t find a job? What if I fail a class? What if I gain 100 pounds and dye my hair orange? Sometimes I am scared that I won’t achieve everything she knew I could. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that I moved on too fast. I went back to school and I pushed on with the wedding planning. I didn’t cry at her memorial service. Sometimes I am scared that it will look like I don’t care. I am scared that she is watching over me and feels unloved because I laugh a thousand times more than I cry and when people tell me that they are sorry for my loss, I say it’s ok. It’s not ok. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared. Sometimes I am scared and I desperately want to hear that door creak just one more time.

Until next time,

Karina

Two Essays And A Police Officer Walk Into A Dining Center

As Mother's Day draws ever nearer, I have been pushing it more and more from my mind. Hopefully this year will pass quickly and without incident. I am blessed to have even more excitement going on in my life at school to keep me occupied.

Update from my last post. The unknown classroom disruptor was arrested yesterday in McNary Dining Center after he was found flipping over tables. Word on the street says that he was extremely high on marijuana. At least now we can keep the doors open again seeing as how the hotter it gets outside, the hotter it gets in Moreland Hall. Seriously. It's like the deepest level of hell in there. Unless you believe in Dante's hell, in which case it would be freezing, which it is not.

Midterms are almost over. I had one on Wednesday that hopefully went well. Lacan and Althusser are pretty much the same right? Both a blessing and a curse, however, is my Holocaust in Literature and Film class. We spent last night watching Schindler's List. It is not any less depressing the second time around. Although, this time I happened to notice that every once in a while, when someone gets shot, feathers fly out. Not funny, but it did lighten the mood a bit. He also assigned our midterm (it's the end of week 6 out of 10 folks): 2 prompts, each requiring a 4-5 page response. Here's the kicker…10 point font. Who can even read 10 point font?! That's a cruel trick sir, a cruel trick.

Yesterday was also the pledge class social event. We played beach volleyball. My thoughts yesterday? "I can totally play beach volleyball. I used to play volleyball. Bring it on." My thoughts today? "I am way too old for this." My knees hurt, which, in truth is my fault. I'm not supposed to be playing volleyball. Also, my arms are bruised and covered in popped blood vessels. It's real pretty. If anyone asks, I think I'm going to have to go with "you should see the other guy."

Tonight is girls' night. This will be a tough one for me. The last time I went to the restaurant in question was with mom. It was right after her surgery and she obviously couldn't eat or drink. Dad, Karissa, and her came up to have dinner with me at school. It was cruel to take her to a restaurant and I feel horrible about it every day. Of course she told me it was fine, but I know it was hard. Every time I drive by the place, I think of that night. Hopefully going inside won't call for waterproof mascara since, you know, I don't have any thanks to mom's voice in my head. "Never wear waterproof makeup." I can't even remember why, but I don't and I never will.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable Mother's Day. Enjoy those cheesy crafts and overpriced cards. I never thought I would miss them.

Until next time,

Karina

On A Lighter Note

Sorry last time's post was so glum. Lucky for me, the past few days have offered some excitement! Let's start with Studies in British Poetry on Monday. Let me set the scene. Here we are, 10 am, in our ridiculously hot classroom going over some Percy Bysshe Shelley (Bysshe please). Suddenly, the door bangs open and standing in the doorway is this guy. Average height, average weight, college age. He points to our professor and shouts at the top of his lungs "you all better pay attention to that M*****F*****" and then slams the door behind him. Silence. Do any of you know him? No. Is he one of your students? No. Ok then. We will just be locking that door now. Apparently we were not the only targets. According to campus security, he also visited a psychology class and, upon entering the coffee shop in the Memorial Union, cleared his throat quite loudly so everyone would look at him, flipped them all the bird with both hands, and disappeared. Stay classy OSU. Stay classy.

Also on Monday, they announced who would be headlining Dam Jam this year (Dam Jam is a "free" concert for students in the MU quad every spring). Lucky for us, they got someone good this year. B.o.B will be headlining Dam Jam! Now, why the air quotes you ask? Dam Jam has been free for students for years and years. This year, it costs a whopping $5 which, in my opinion, is a pretty damn good deal to see B.o.B in concert plus whoever is opening for him. However, I seem to stand alone. There is quite the uproar over this outlandish price tag. Also inciting uproar this week? Protests in the MU quad disrupting midterms, the fact the OSU only pays its student workers once a month, and there were sheep in the quad courtesy of the OSU sheep club. Yes. They are a real club. They have fancy jackets and everything. Also a real club? The OSU polo team. They have a wooden horse for demonstrations. Anyone feel like climbing inside and storming a city?

Onwards to Tuesday! I went to the dentist. Cavity free for 20 years my friends! Nathan and I also hosted a Cinco de Mayo party if you consider his roommate and two of our friends a party. We had tacos if you consider tortillas with holes in the middle part of a taco. Do not ask how they got holes in the middle because I cannot say. They were whole when I left the room and when they came to the table, there were holes in the middle. Boys.

Here's to hoping for more exciting days!

Until next time,

Karina

On That Day

In the wake of this weekend's Mom's Weekend at OSU and in preparation for next Sunday (Mother's Day), I have been doing some reflecting.

The day before the bleed, Mary and Sarah, incredible family friends of ours, were in town to go wedding dress shopping with me. I was seriously considering calling in and bailing on work. Mom and I got into quite the argument about how I needed to go to work and not doing so was a poor choice. In the end, I stomped off to my car and went to work. Upon returning home, I was still a bit hostile. I mean, how dare she make me be a decent adult. Geez.

The next morning was another work day. I was in the shower when Mary knocks on the door and tells me that I need to get dressed right away because the paramedics are on the way to take my mom to the hospital. Ok then. By the time I threw on some clothes, they were loading her into the ambulance. And I just stood in the kitchen watching them drive away, a fact that haunts me everyday. What happened after that was a blur. Call Sears and tell them that I am not coming into work today. Call Nathan at work and tell him what happened. Assure Nathan that he does not have to leave work, that I'll be ok. Learn that hydrogen peroxide takes blood out of fabrics like some kind of morbid magic trick. On that day, I thought it would be ok.

Over the next few days, I watched the blog. I waited to hear that the tube change was successful. I waited to hear that everything would be ok, like I thought it would be. I wandered around campus and I unpacked my things in my new dorm room. I spent far too much money on textbooks I would hardly use. Before school started, I drove back to Eugene. On that day, I got the call. Mom would be moved to hospice care that day. She would not come home. On that day, I went numb.

I can tell you what clothing I was wearing the day that I walked into the hospice for the first time. I can tell you what very person in the room was wearing. I remember everything about those days. On the day she passed, I loaded my clean laundry into the car and stopped by the hospice on my way to Corvallis for school. Sometime that afternoon, some of us went to get food and when we got back, she was gone. When we got home, we ate some pizza. We went to sleep. I woke up sick. On that day, a part of me died too.

So many times over the past two years, mom asked me to come see her in the hospital. I didn't go. We argued about who knows what. I wasn't there when she fell and I stood in the kitchen and watched her drive away. The only thing I can hope for is that she knew that I was there at the end.

Until next time,

Karina

When It Rains, It Pours

Sometimes you just have those days. Or weeks...

As some of you know, I joined a professional fraternity this year. Part of being a member is that we have to attend the events for new pledges. Monday was one that involved a formal interview in front of the chapter. The final question was who do you admire most. Nearly every single answer? My mom. The first time it was cute. The second time it was cuteish. The fifth time? I'm going to kill one of you if you don't choose a different person to freaking admire! By the time number twelve rolled around, I was pretty much done. Now, I know it sounds selfish to hate on the people who happen to admire their mom, but it just took a toll this week. Don't judge :)

For every holiday, big or small, mom made me, and later Karissa, sign our name to a card. There were Halloween cards, Valentine's Day cards, Easter, Passover, Grandparent's Day, etc. When we got old enough, we were expected to include a little note. Today, in my wiser days, I see that that is just what you do when you are a considerate person. Back then, I hated it. "How annoying. I'd much rather be doing who knows what else." Yesterday I had to take a trip to Fred Meyer. I figured while I was there, I would grab a card for an upcoming birthday. Big mistake. Tromp, tromp, tromp; up the stairs I go (the Corvallis Fred Meyer has an upstairs…I'm not a fan), when what do my wandering eyes behold? A solid wall of pastel colored Mother's Day cards. It is in front of this wall that Nathan found me 10 minutes later, just staring. For someone who hates writing cards, I have never wanted to buy one so bad in my entire life.

About this time last year, my mom apologized profusely for not being well enough to come to the annual moms and family weekend at OSU. She looked at me and said that maybe next year, now this year, she would make it. Whilst sitting in my physics lecture this afternoon, it hit me hard. This weekend is moms weekend and she won't be here. But this year, I can't go home and see her either. Talk about a double whammy. And to top it all off, this weekend is the Kentucky Derby. I can't remember a year when mom didn't watch the Derby. And not just the race. She watched all the coverage leading up to it.

Sometimes you just have those weeks.

Until next time,

Karina

Call and Response

In the fall of 2014, a friend of mine approached me and suggested I join the professional business fraternity, Alpha Kappa Psi, at OSU. My response? "Ummm…I'm an English major. And I'm also female". Apparently neither of those facts mattered. I pledged in Winter of 2015 and am enjoying it immensely. 

It is a requirement for AKPsi that we do x amount of hours of community service per term. "My response? "Not bad considering I had to do 150 just to graduate from high school". Luckily, opportunities are provided for us and we just have to pick the ones we want to do. Speaking of which, I highly suggest attending the OSU neon 5k run. If running isn't your thing (I'm right there with you), a second option would be to like their Facebook page. 

One of the most recent opportunities provided to us was to form a team and participate in OSU's Relay for Life. Several members jumped on board immediately and urged the rest of us to do the same. My response? "Oh hell no". In high school, National Honor Society, of which I somehow got elected vice president without even showing up to the elections, partnered with Key Club and put on a mini Relay for Life. Ours was just a couple of hours after school, but there was a good turn out nonetheless. We even had a carnival and free hamburgers. The event always ended with survivors coming to tell their stories while the crowd circled around them in support. Given this, and what I already know about the true Relay for Life, there was no way I was going to spend 12 hours listening to survival stories. Don't get me wrong. It is incredible and lucky that people beat this horrendous disease everyday and that is truly great. I just don't think I'm ready to hear about it seeing as how I celebrated my mom's birthday without her. 

Another friend in the chapter decided to participate. Nathan jumped in with him. My response? "Have fun, but hell no". However, after an internal struggle to rival the match between Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan, I came to this conclusion: how can I refuse to do my part to find a cure for the very disease that took my mom from me? Tonight I was asked if I was participating in Relay for Life. My response? "I'm already registered". 

Our chapter is partnered with Beta Alpha Psi. If you would like to help us reach our goal, here is the link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/?team_id=1812810&pg=team&fr_id=66138

If you would like to donate to me personally, here is that link: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=40204850&pg=personal&fr_id=66138

Please don't feel obligated. 

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. I highly recommend the Tatami Room at the Granary Pizzeria. You have to take your shoes off, but you get to eat really good pizza on the floor surrounded by big pillows. The waiter even encouraged us to build a fort. And, as a bonus, if you "accidentally" drop a piece of cutlery through a hole in the wall, it lands on the stairs leading to the law offices next door. 

Happy Birthday To Me

When I turned 14, I had an extremely elaborate birthday party. It was Clue themed and everyone (all 15+ people) showed up dressed as their favorite character. I, by the way, do not pull off head-to-toe purple very well. There were candelabras and themed music. Alas, dad would not dress up as a butler and allow me to refer to him as Jeeves. Despite this, my parents deserve some sort of medal or trophy for cooking a sit down meal for so many teenagers. After dinner, we all watched the incredibly cheesy, but still great, movie adaptation of the game.

When I turned 17, I decided it would be oh so much fun to have a masquerade ball themed party. Everyone was instructed to wear a mask (duh!) and dress up in the finest clothes a bunch of 17 year olds could pull from their closets. The invitations were even printed on fancy paper, rolled up scroll style, and tied with a ribbon. Carrying them around in a plastic bag all day may have classed it down a bit, but so be it. We cleared the living room of furniture and I even put up special decorations. Dad even got in his little joke and prepared only ball shaped foods, which everyone but me seemed to find hilarious. A word of advice though…a masquerade ball is not quite as much fun when only 8 people show up and no one dances. We were wearing sweat pants and playing twister by the time the cake was cut.

When I turned 18, I thought I was hot stuff and decided to throw a "club" themed party…in my living room. We swapped out the regular lightbulbs for colored ones and set up a large "DJ area". The fact that said area was really just my then boyfriend, now fiancé, Nathan and a big CD player is not important. This time more than 8 people showed up and everyone was dressed club-esque. I even got to break out my sequined mini skirt. However, by the end of the night, we were all just sitting around talking and playing games. I should really just give up on throwing parties where people are supposed to dance. At least no one was wearing sweats.

When I turned 19, I didn't have a birthday party for the first time in my entire life. Instead, Nathan came up to Corvallis and surprised me, we gorged on Buffalo Wild Wings, and then we evacuated the dorms. Someone thought a bomb threat would be the best way to get out of their chemistry midterm. Happy birthday to me! That weekend, I came home to celebrate with my family. An amazing family friend of ours (thank you Jen!) made me a delicious dinner and an incredible cake. Before I blew out the candles, my mom spoke to me the last words I would ever hear her traditionally speak. She put her finger over her trach tube opening and said "happy birthday, Karina." Needless to say, I teared up a little bit.

Today I turned 20. I went out for a delicious dinner with my dad, sister, and fiancé. I ate some cake even though I really shouldn't have. Karissa and I had a laugh with Disney's Hercules. Tomorrow, Nathan is throwing me a birthday party. Today I turned 20 and I looked back on a year old Facebook message a thousand times. "Happy birthday to you my beloved Karina! I hope you have a fantastic day!"

Some parents say that they are too young to have a 20 year old. I say treasure the fact that you are here to see them turn 20.

Until next time,

Karina

I Wanna Check You For Ticks

In March of 2007, Brad Paisley released a single titled "Ticks" and let me tell you, it is a true gem. If you have not heard it, I strongly urge you to look it up and listen to it in its entirety right this minute. I myself find it to be just wonderful, as did my mom. Dad on the other hand does not have the refined taste required to truly appreciate such a spectacular musical creation. Are you catching my sarcasm? OK, good. Today I heard that song.

There is a turn off on Highway 99 just before you reach Junction City. All that is there are some trees and a single port-a-potty, but it seems to be quite popular regardless. It was this turn off that I pulled into when I got the call. I was expecting to hear that the breathing tube change was successful. I was wrong. I thought I would be totally OK to drive straight through to Eugene. What's a few more miles? I was wrong. There is no moving on from there. Sometimes I still think I am stuck in that moment. Today, as I passed said turn off, I heard that song.

Once, that song came on in the car and dad tried to change it, but mom wouldn't let him and I smiled.

I smile when I remember her laugh. I smile when I remember her stories. I smile when I remember how she kicked everyone's butt in Cards Against Humanity, even when she couldn't speak. I smile when I remember the faces she made when I tried on something truly hideous. I smile when I remember how hard she laughed when I got stuck in a wetsuit in the dressing room at GI Joe's. I smile when I hear that song.

I cry when I remember her pain. I cry when I remember all the hospital stays. I cry when I remember that I never went to see her because I thought she would always come home. I cry when I remember the day that the bleed happened and how I just stood in the kitchen and watched them drive her away. I cry when I remember those days in the hospice. I cried on her birthday and I cry when I hear that song.

This is the new normal. I laugh, I cry, and I get angry. And you can bet your pretty little behind that I will be nowhere to be found on campus come the annual "Mom's and Family Weekend". I'll be somewhere listening to that song.

Until next time,

Karina