I have just returned from watching another oh so fun film about the Holocaust for one of my classes. This evening's selection was Europa, Europa. It's pretty good if you like reading subtitles, which I don't. The whole damn thing was in German, but whatever. If you haven't seen it, it is the story of this Jewish boy who pretends to be German and eventually joins the Hitler youth in order to survive. The overarching message was that humans will do anything to survive one more day.
As strange as it sounds, this film spoke to me. It didn't speak to me on a literal level because, obviously, I have no intentions of running off to join the Nazis, but it spoke to me about my life today. My mom went through hell to try and stay on this earth with us. She endured tremendous pain and discomfort. She endured chemo and radiation more times than I can count. She did everything she could to survive one more day. But this film didn't just speak to me about mom. It spoke to me about me.
As some of you know, I struggle with the guilt I feel everyday. I struggle with the fact that I fought with her and was angry with her just days before she passed away. I struggle with the fact that I never went to see her in the hospital and I struggle with the fact that so many times I said I would be home at such and such time and actually came home much later when she was already well asleep. I struggle with the fact that I wasn't home when she fell. My biggest struggle is that I didn't go to her side to tell her I loved her one more time. I don't remember so many things she said and I didn't listen to her when I should have. I once insulted one of her sweaters. Probably more than once actually. And I feel guilty because she passed away and I just plowed on with my life. I went back to school like it was nothing. I moved forward with the wedding planning. I laughed. I smiled. I gave away her things. The things I took to remember her by are stuffed in a trunk covered in a pile of my stuff. But through the unlikeliest of places, I think I finally know why.
You do what you have to to live one more day. I had to go back to school. I had to plan the wedding. We couldn't keep her stuff forever. I laughed and I smiled because I found things that were fun because as much as I didn't want to, if I didn't, I don't know how I would have gone on living. You would find me today curled up in a ball in the baggiest pair of sweatpants money can buy. Nike of course. *insert dad cringing here*
Call me crazy for finding clarity in a film about the Holocaust. She probably would have and that makes me smile.
Until next time,
Karina
P.S. I was about to tell you about the historic inaccuracy of this movie in that they depicted heavy trench warfare, but I looked it up and apparently there was still trench warfare in WWII. Who knew?
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