Sometimes I Am Scared

Sometimes I am scared that I am forgetting her. Sometimes I can’t picture her in my mind. It’s even harder when I try and remember her before she was sick. Sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind myself. Sometimes I am scared that I am letting her fade away. How could I forget such an incredible person? What does that say about me? Sometimes I am scared.

My mom had a knack for knowing when I was upset. Every time I tried to hide it, and the times I didn’t, she would hear me crying and she would come. It didn’t matter what time it was, how old I was, or why I was crying. Sometimes we would fight and she would be furious with me, but she would still come. The door to her bedroom would creak open and she would come into my room and just sit with me until I fell asleep. I keep waiting for the creak. Why can I remember the creak and I can’t remember her voice? Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that I am disappointing her. I wear flip-flops and I throw food in the garbage. I bought a whole tub of plain Greek yogurt, decided I didn’t like it, and just let it go to waste. In January, I bought a sweater and it still has the tags on it. I have a cruel sense of humor and I am selfish. I procrastinate on my homework all the time and I stopped going to the gym. I play volleyball when I know I shouldn’t and then I complain about it later. I have no patience. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that my sister will resent me because I got to know her for 19 years and she didn’t. Sometimes I’m scared that I won’t be able to pass along lessons or ideas or opinions the right way. I got to go prom dress shopping with my mom three times. I got to buy my wedding dress with her. She did my hair and painted my nails. She came to my graduation. She made my first scrapbook with me. Sometimes I am scared that my sister will grow up to despise me. Sometimes I am scared.

Mom always told me that I had so much potential; that I was smart and beautiful and driven. But what if I graduate college and can’t find a job? What if I fail a class? What if I gain 100 pounds and dye my hair orange? Sometimes I am scared that I won’t achieve everything she knew I could. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared that I moved on too fast. I went back to school and I pushed on with the wedding planning. I didn’t cry at her memorial service. Sometimes I am scared that it will look like I don’t care. I am scared that she is watching over me and feels unloved because I laugh a thousand times more than I cry and when people tell me that they are sorry for my loss, I say it’s ok. It’s not ok. Sometimes I am scared.

Sometimes I am scared. Sometimes I am scared and I desperately want to hear that door creak just one more time.

Until next time,

Karina