My Mother Taught Me Everything, Except How To Live Without Her

Hello!

We are one week post-wedding. For those that were't able to make it, it was beautiful. Many thanks to Dawn, Mary, and so many others for making it so and also saving me from my worst self. Also, many thanks to those who travelled to be with us. And hey…there was only one broken plate!

Mom always had hilarious wedding stories. There was the one with the cake that got licked by the cat, which may have been the same one where they held the reception in a nursing home. There was her first wedding where the bows wouldn't stay on the hats and more than one of the bridesmaid dresses didn't fit right. Speaking of which, those turned up on an ugly bridesmaid dress slideshow on the internet somewhere…sorry momma! In her honor, here are a few highlights from our big day.

1. The cake was incredibly late and it looked horrible. Many thanks to Mary, Dawn, and my wonderful husband for preventing a total meltdown upon my seeing it.

2. Karissa managed to dislocate her patella two days before the wedding, so she made her way down the aisle in a lovely black and blue full leg brace. Luckily the processional song was long ;)

3. Despite it being a million degrees during rehearsal on Friday, come Sunday it was cloudy and raining in the morning. The rain subsided but the clouds stuck around. Everyone tells me it was gorgeous weather, but I still wish there would have been sun. Oh well. I'm sure mom would have loved the grayness. It is good for the Earth she would say. We are in the midst of a drought after all.

4. After leaning forward over my plate to eat, I somehow deformed the boning in my dress slightly so it was struggling to keep my dress from falling down and I am sure I nearly flashed more than one guest. You're welcome I guess.

5. We somehow managed to run out of food before everyone was fed, but many thanks to Wild Duck Catering for getting more before I even knew we had run out.

6. The day before the wedding Nathan calls and says we only have 3 ties, not 4. What?! It took months for us to agree on those ties and now you are telling me that the ties will not all be matching and you are going out to purchase a fourth tie without me? Fabulous.

Getting married without mom by my side was easier than expected, but it is all hitting me now. I guess I was too busy trying not to pass out to notice who was or was not yanking the strings tight on my dress (thank you Mary and Sarah). Both Dawn and Mary stepped in and were mom's voice when I was losing it. And, in Dawn's words, mom smacked her upside the head and saved me from some serious fashion mistakes leading up to the big day. However, as I look back on the photos and the day as a whole, I am reminded that there was something missing. Something huge.

Instead of mom by dad's side in our family photo, there is a vase of sunflowers. They were beautiful sunflowers, but they weren't mom. More people than I can count cried when I walked down the aisle and they saw me in my dress, but not a single one of them was my mom. By the guest book table stood a sign in memory of those we loved who passed before our big day and smack in the middle was not a photo of some barely known great aunt or a grandparent who lived to be 110, but rather mom. Now that I think of it, every single person that was on that board was taken by cancer. Fuck you cancer.

As requested, we all danced the Hora and I hope she was there with us, laughing as we stepped on each others' toes and confused each other by trying to form two circles mid dance. That's my fault. Sorry!

My mother taught me a lot of lessons I tried to remember coming into the wedding and I am still trying to remember now in my married life. The marriage is more important than the wedding. Nothing is perfect so don't kill yourself trying to make it so. Listen to each other and learn to talk to each other, not at each other (this one came from dad too). Be honest. Now that I have a minute to sit and reflect, my mother taught me everything except how to live without her. Who knew I would have to teach myself so soon.

Until Next Time,

Karina

Trending On Facebook

I would really like to let everyone know that my university is trending on Facebook as I type. We developed/found seaweed that tastes like bacon but is healthier than kale. Take that all you superior athletic schools. We have bacon seaweed.

But for real. I know its been a while and I apologize. I promise I haven't buried myself in a pile of blankets somewhere and wasted away. Things have been heating up in regards to wedding planning which also means that the grief monster is rearing its ugly head once more. Lucky me.

I have been blessed with a lot of really incredible people in my life, but no one can take the place of mom and I am realizing just how true this is as the wedding draws nearer. I went to my last fitting solo and grappled with the fact that they have to alter the neckline solo. The dress I walk down the aisle in will no longer be the exact dress my mom saw when she came with me the day I bought it. Who knew that a an inch of tulle would be so emotional. Also tough? Venting. I have great support systems all over the United States, but an angry text just isn't the same and ranting and pacing around the room while mom tells me that I'm being ridiculous in the comforting way that only a mother can. I guess I just never thought that she would't be there.

I just returned from a long weekend in Vegas and for those I didn't see, I apologize. It was a quick decision to just de-stress. I spent most of the weekend on a couch with Sarah and Mary watching Netflix and eating obscene amounts of food. I live the glamorous life don't I? It was interesting though to be out and about in Vegas remembering when we lived there. I think we drove past the doctor's office where they told mom that the spot in her mouth was just a spot for years. We drove past my grandma's nail salon where I first got my nails professionally done and mom was shocked at the colors I chose; neon blue and green french tips. Fifth grade me was a stunner. We had brunch at the Draft House where ten year old me complained into mom's ear about how hot the chicken strips were. Little did she know that I didn't mean temperature wise. That is, until she took a bite. And so many more memories. The time I accidentally gave her a sample of a jalepeno chip in the grocery store. The time the sprinkler system at school broke and turned the grass into a marsh and I tried to surf on it. Even with all the memories though, it was a great trip. Coming home was the hard part strangely.

When I went to Costa Rica, mom got up at 3 am to take me to the airport. She also stayed up until close to 2 am the day I came home so she could pick me up at the airport. I half expected to see her this time.

So much has changed. So much will be different. But at least we are trending on Facebook.

Until next time,

Karina

Free At Last, Free At Last

Hallelujah! Finals are over and it is officially summer! The week came to a close with three papers (one that was spectacular, one that was good but short on the page count, and one that was a complete and utter disaster on paper), one physics final (thank the lord above for freebie questions and my parents for being so geeky that I knew several answers not because I truly knew the answer, but because I knew Howard Wolowitz is not a real space scientist regardless if I knew who any of the other options were), and me passing all of my classes. I even S/Ued (pass/no pass) two classes for what turned out to be no reason since I got Bs in both of my own accord. Whoo hoo! Go me!

Now, those of you who know me well know that I actually really like school and I am good at it, so why the excitement over barely passing four classes? This year was hard. I struggled every term and fell behind every term and got dragged down by the thought that maybe I was just one big disappointment to her. I even have nightmares where she comes to me and tells me how much I suck. For the record though, she doesn't actually say suck. She hated that word. This year forced me to dig deep to even keep moving forward but I hope I made her proud by doing so.

I moved out of my dorm, which was bitter sweet (see last post). Nathan and I have officially moved into our new apartment with some friends of ours just in time for the shower to fail. Apparently the plumber who did the shower when the interior was redone two years ago messed up big time and we are paying the price now. Call the landlord. Yes he will bring in a plumber to fix that. Yes they will likely have to bust in part of the shower and the wall to fix it right. Great. Oh well. I got a summer gym membership so I will just shower at the gym. Wrong. Apparently Dixon doesn't run hot water during the summer. I guess I will be journeying home sooner than expected.

Speaking of moving in and out, it is all bittersweet. Last year, mom and dad helped me move into my dorm and we even took some cute pictures together. This year I moved in alone. Mom never even got to see this dorm room and it was a nice one. I am sure it would have gotten a comment or story about the dorm room she lived in. Now that we are settled off campus, I am starting to realize that she will never see this place either. Or my first house. This past weekend was also commencement and I was forced to realize she won't see me graduate from college either. This is not aided by the fact that the OSU beaver store insists on carrying OSU mom gear all year round everywhere you turn and for some reason, I go to it every time before I realize there is no one to buy it for.

Today I did some wedding planning and was caught off guard by the RSVP card marked Wolf party of 2. Shouldn't that number be 3? I am so glad that this trying school year is over, but I know this summer will be strange and different. There will be the wedding without mom. There will be no swimming with mom. No gardening or window washing. No long talks or outdoor dinners. No lists of things to do. I plan to spend a lot of time in Corvallis this summer and I have finally realized that the main reason for that is because this summer just won't be the same and even though it will be filled with withouts, maybe I can make some new summer memories between Eugene and Corvallis.

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. TMI AHEAD! READ AHEAD IF YOU DARE! Today I woke up with every symptom you can possibly have of a UTI. Great. Off to the doctor. They say pee in this cup. Cue flashback. The last time I had a UTI was probably 7 or 8 years ago and mom and I spent 3 hours in the doctors office because I was having a full scale meltdown about peeing in a cup. I hate peeing in a cup. Needless to say, she was not happy. Today, I peed in a cup. And paid for my own antibiotics. I guess I'm a real adult now. I hope you're proud momma. I'm trying my best, even if all that is is peeing in a cup without crying and/or stomping my feet (and I will not confirm nor deny that there was actual feet stomping all those years ago. I could be just saying that for dramatic effect. You don't know. :p).

Finals Week Blues

I have been sitting in the MU so long that the HUT shuttle has come through twice. The HUT shuttle runs through Eugene, up through Corvallis, and also stops in Albany, Salem, and Woodburn collecting passengers and dropping them off at the Portland airport and vice versa. If you take into account the fact that Portland is at least an hour and a half from Corvallis, there are three stops from here to Portland plus loading and unloading time, and traffic, I've been here a while. On the plus side, I only have one paper left and one test. Also a plus? In only one class have I had to calculate the minimum grade I need on the final to pass the class. Science is not my thing. Don't judge.

After this hell week is over, it will be unpacking in the new apartment and then diving head first into wedding planning. I had a dress fitting yesterday and luckily there isn't too much to be done. Everyone including myself has found shoes and even Karissa found a dress. But there will be plenty about wedding planning as the weeks go on. As the school year comes to a close, I have been reflecting.

Mom passed away the day before school started. I took a week off and then made my grand reappearance. Needless to say, I almost didn't pass those classes, but I did. Yesterday I finished cleaning out my dorm and for some reason I was sad. I think I was sad because that room was my safe place for nine months. I cried there and I mourned there. I learned there. This year I learned a lot. I learned that even though it is hard, you can go on living. I learned that even when you lose someone, you still have people. Even though it is hard to do wedding things without her, I still enjoy them. What do you know? I actually learned something at school this year and I think she would be proud.

Until next time,

Karina

Chicken Salad On Challah

Sorry once again for my long absence. Today marks the start of dead week leading up to finals week and capping off with moving out of the dorms. Needless to say, things are busy here in Corvallis.

As some of you may know, I have been blessed, or cursed, with a larger than average bust size. Yay me! Lucky for me though, mom was also a part of this group and when we moved to Eugene, she stumbled on an incredible gift…Ruth's Foundations. Ruth's sells bras and swimsuits for those of us who laugh in the face of Target bikinis sized XL. Every summer mom and I would journey to Ruth's for a swimsuit. Every swimsuit I own came from Ruth's now that I think of it. I have also purchased at least 3 strapless bras from them. This past weekend I took a trip to Ruth's because I needed yet another strapless bra to wear under my wedding dress. It was quite a shock to walk into Ruth's without her. It was even more of a shock to have one of the incredible women that works there hook the 10+ hooks instead of her. And let me tell you, you really don't appreciate your parents until you have to buy your own stuff. $100+ dollars for a single bra later and I was out of there, a little down in the dumps.

Next to Ruth's is a great bakery/deli called Barry's. I highly recommend it. Nathan was complaining about missing breakfast so we stopped in or lunch. Another shock. After nearly every trip to Ruth's, and between the two of us, there were a lot, mom and I ate at Barry's. Always the same thing; half a chicken salad sandwich on challah and a bowl of matzo ball soup. It was disheartening to eat it alone. Nathan was there, but he had pastrami and that's not nearly the same, but much love to him anyway for enduring the 45 minutes in Ruth's.

This weekend was filled with things that I once did with mom and it made me realize how many more there will be. She won't be at my wedding. She wasn't at my bridal shower. I miss her a lot. However, I do get to honor her in many ways. I honor her when I shop at Ruth's. I honor her by writing and addressing all of my shower thank you notes in a very timely manner. I honor her by doing things I have never done before. I hope I honor her with this blog. I honor her with chicken salad on challah.

Speaking of things I have never done before, I was elected brotherhood chair in our chapter of AKPsi. This means I will be in charge of selecting monthly award winners, writing thank you cards to all of our guest speakers, and planning fun little get togethers to bring us closer together as members. Go me! I even won despite the one con being that I was not very approachable. Can you believe that? I'm approachable dammit! I hope mom would be proud. And I have her to thank for my thank you note writing skills. They are off the charts :)

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. I do not recommend seeing B.o.B in concert. He is absolutely atrocious and likes to endorse smoking. In an earlier post, I commented on $5 being a great deal to see him. I lied. Free would have been too expensive for crap like that. Save your money.

Here Comes The Bridal Shower

This past week has been a whirlwind. My house was abuzz with activity all week and I couldn't have asked for anything more.

On Thursday, Sarah, Mary, and I ran some errands and did some shopping. I found a dress thankfully. They ordered cakes while I waited in the car. The bridesmaids all found shoes and they all like them and they were even on sale! Whoo hoo! I tried my very best to find shoes for both the wedding and the shower, but size 11s are becoming harder and harder to find. We all also got a minor case of food poisoning, but it had passed before the day was done. Note to self. Nothing good ever comes of Panda Express.

On Friday, we did some more shoe shopping. You know it isn't going to end well when not one, but two stores tell you the biggest size they carry is a 10. One thing that did come out of it was the appreciation of what my mom dealt with with me on a regular basis. Man do I owe her. Onward to Saturday!

Dawn and family arrived on the scene and we met up at the Saturday Market after the bridesmaid dress fitting. Only a few minor alterations will need to be made thank goodness. The groomsmen, now numbering three rather than four, placed their orders for tuxes so that is one more thing taken care of wedding wise. At some point we made a pointless drive to Junction City to check into the motel everyone was staying at, but there was nobody there. Fun stuff. Food was being prepped and Sarah and I were sent on a mission for long toothpicks and a jicama. The jicama was easy, but we went to two different craft stores before we finally found some at le Target. I also found shoes there! I guess my rant about my feet being discriminated against was unnecessary. Oh well. Upon returning home, we were tasked with making gallons of iced tea, lemonade, and strawberry lemonade and let me tell you…that is a sticky situation.

Sunday (shower day) dawned bright and early. Dad served up a delicious breakfast of bagels, cream cheese, lox, and doughnuts. If my dress didn't fit before, it really doesn't fit now. The rest of the food was prepared and it looked incredible! Thank you Dawn, Mary, Angie, and Barbara. And a thousand other people. Thank you, Cameron, for the crepes. At some point, everybody left to decorate and I was instructed to not arrive until 3 pm. Too bad I don't take directions well and got there early at 2:45. It was gorgeous. Great people, great food, great games. I still think our toilet paper wedding dress was a winner. Cameron (the bride/model) asked for something skimpy and that is (inadvertently) what he got. Time flew by and it was time to clean up and head back to the house where dad had prepared yet another delicious feast. I still have a mouth blister from the spinach artichoke dip, but it was worth it. The evening concluded with some more games. Who knew "fishnet stockings", "boom boom room", and "tuck it in your tux" were names of nail polishes and not adult films. Needless to say, I did not win that game.

Monday morning and everyone was on their way home. Luckily they will be back in a few short weeks, so I don't have to miss them for too long.

The weekend was incredible, but there was something missing. I have incredible women in my life who are my moms and always have been and I am eternally grateful for them and what they do for me, especially this shower, but I was really missing my mom. I'm sure she would have gotten a kick out of some of the answers to "who knows the bride best" and she would have found Mary's interpretation of Jack Sparrow as hobo boat man to be quite hilarious. I know that my getting married young was not her first choice, but I know she would have loved to have helped plan that shower and been there with me. At least we got to honor her in some ways. We used paper straws, not plastic. We gave away packets of sunflower seeds as favors. We reused mason jars as glasses and there wasn't a paper plate in sight. I hope she is proud. And even though I know it wasn't her first choice, I think it worked out for the best. She got to at least come to my engagement party (we used the same plates at the shower so that counts for something right?) and she got to help me pick out my wedding dress. I just wish she could be here for the rest of the journey. I miss her everyday.

Until next time,

Karina

Europa, Europa

Greetings!

I have just returned from watching another oh so fun film about the Holocaust for one of my classes. This evening's selection was Europa, Europa. It's pretty good if you like reading subtitles, which I don't. The whole damn thing was in German, but whatever. If you haven't seen it, it is the story of this Jewish boy who pretends to be German and eventually joins the Hitler youth in order to survive. The overarching message was that humans will do anything to survive one more day. 

As strange as it sounds, this film spoke to me. It didn't speak to me on a literal level because, obviously, I have no intentions of running off to join the Nazis, but it spoke to me about my life today. My mom went through hell to try and stay on this earth with us. She endured tremendous pain and discomfort. She endured chemo and radiation more times than I can count. She did everything she could to survive one more day. But this film didn't just speak to me about mom. It spoke to me about me. 

As some of you know, I struggle with the guilt I feel everyday. I struggle with the fact that I fought with her and was angry with her just days before she passed away. I struggle with the fact that I never went to see her in the hospital and I struggle with the fact that so many times I said I would be home at such and such time and actually came home much later when she was already well asleep. I struggle with the fact that I wasn't home when she fell. My biggest struggle is that I didn't go to her side to tell her I loved her one more time. I don't remember so many things she said and I didn't listen to her when I should have. I once insulted one of her sweaters. Probably more than once actually. And I feel guilty because she passed away and I just plowed on with my life. I went back to school like it was nothing. I moved forward with the wedding planning. I laughed. I smiled. I gave away her things. The things I took to remember her by are stuffed in a trunk covered in a pile of my stuff. But through the unlikeliest of places, I think I finally know why. 

You do what you have to to live one more day. I had to go back to school. I had to plan the wedding. We couldn't keep her stuff forever. I laughed and I smiled because I found things that were fun because as much as I didn't want to, if I didn't, I don't know how I would have gone on living. You would find me today curled up in a ball in the baggiest pair of sweatpants money can buy. Nike of course. *insert dad cringing here* 

Call me crazy for finding clarity in a film about the Holocaust. She probably would have and that makes me smile. 

Until next time,

Karina

P.S. I was about to tell you about the historic inaccuracy of this movie in that they depicted heavy trench warfare, but I looked it up and apparently there was still trench warfare in WWII. Who knew?