In March of 2007, Brad Paisley released a single titled "Ticks" and let me tell you, it is a true gem. If you have not heard it, I strongly urge you to look it up and listen to it in its entirety right this minute. I myself find it to be just wonderful, as did my mom. Dad on the other hand does not have the refined taste required to truly appreciate such a spectacular musical creation. Are you catching my sarcasm? OK, good. Today I heard that song.
There is a turn off on Highway 99 just before you reach Junction City. All that is there are some trees and a single port-a-potty, but it seems to be quite popular regardless. It was this turn off that I pulled into when I got the call. I was expecting to hear that the breathing tube change was successful. I was wrong. I thought I would be totally OK to drive straight through to Eugene. What's a few more miles? I was wrong. There is no moving on from there. Sometimes I still think I am stuck in that moment. Today, as I passed said turn off, I heard that song.
Once, that song came on in the car and dad tried to change it, but mom wouldn't let him and I smiled.
I smile when I remember her laugh. I smile when I remember her stories. I smile when I remember how she kicked everyone's butt in Cards Against Humanity, even when she couldn't speak. I smile when I remember the faces she made when I tried on something truly hideous. I smile when I remember how hard she laughed when I got stuck in a wetsuit in the dressing room at GI Joe's. I smile when I hear that song.
I cry when I remember her pain. I cry when I remember all the hospital stays. I cry when I remember that I never went to see her because I thought she would always come home. I cry when I remember the day that the bleed happened and how I just stood in the kitchen and watched them drive her away. I cry when I remember those days in the hospice. I cried on her birthday and I cry when I hear that song.
This is the new normal. I laugh, I cry, and I get angry. And you can bet your pretty little behind that I will be nowhere to be found on campus come the annual "Mom's and Family Weekend". I'll be somewhere listening to that song.
Until next time,
Karina
Karina, I am smiling and crying too, along with everyone else who has read and will read your blog, it is simply beautiful. I am remembering playing cards against humanity with your mom manipulating the dynovox, to get just the right inflection, to make it even more funny. After she had her glossectomy your mom told me one of the things that made not being able to tell a story out loud, in her own voice bearable was hearing you. That in hearing you tell her stories, and your own stories her voice wasn't gone, and how wonderful that felt. Your mom's love for you is forever <3
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